Draco Malfoy's Most Brilliant Idea
by thinkswithpen
Summary: Draco Malfoy's magically stuck with his pesky virginity and now his parents want to use it as a bargaining chip on the pureblood marriage market. That's why he's taken the extreme measure of asking an old enemy for help. It certainly has nothing to do with how she looks in reading glasses or the things she can do with her talented tongue. Nothing to do with that at all!


**Disclaimer: I do not own anything Harry Potter related and do not intend to infringe copyright.**

**A/N: This was written for the Deflower Draco fest over on lj. As such please be warned that it contains explicit smut. Normally I only rate things M for language there is both language and other reasons for this one. Thank you so much to my excellent and speedy beta WJ and to my beloved husband who listened to exerpts of this on our drive to work on more than one occasion. Thank to the prompter: I loved it straight away and kept loving it all through the writing.**

* * *

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Malfoy your elbow's on my hair! Get off!"

Fuck! Draco sat up stifling the apology that tried to escape his lips automatically. "Well if you'd stop squirming like a possessed squirrel maybe that wouldn't happen!" He'd thought they were getting somewhere that time. They'd been horizontal for at least ten minutes and now he'd spoiled the mood. Again. He'd kick himself if he didn't think that would somehow also end up hurting her.

"I'm sorry! It feels like ants are walking all over me. It's not something I enjoy" his companion responded

"Well I don't enjoy the squirming or the shrieking" Draco remarked trying not to think about how very much he imagined he could like certain kinds of squirming and shrieking.

Granger sat up, buttoned her blouse and summoned a parchment and quill. "I'd say we can remove 'spells that relax me' from the list." She drew a line through something and studied the parchment intently, reaching for her reading glasses as she did so. She balanced them on the end of her nose and, although it was reminiscent of McGonnagal, it was also hot as fuck. It had been a disturbing revelation the first time he saw them, apparently he was more turned on by swotty than slutty. Please Merlin let it be a side-effect of this bloody stupid spell damage!

"And just to check again, you still refuse to ask your parents to reverse it?" her tone was exasperated.

"They won't help and asking them will simply alert them to our little experiment. Unwise and counterproductive," he answered in the bored tone of one who'd explained this multiple times. Dealing with Gryffindors for any length of time should give you an automatic qualification in childcare, or an Advanced Patience Certificate or something.

She made a small note on her parchment. Presumably it read: "Asked about seeking parental help for forty-third time, suggestion again refuted."

"And the healer?" she inquired when she finished her scribbling.

"The answer is still 'when merpeople cross the desert' I'm afraid Granger."

"I do know someone who's very discreet."

"Yes but what a Gryffindor thinks discretion is and actual discretion are two very different things."

"If Gryffindors are so indiscreet why are you trusting me Malfoy?"

Oops, he'd annoyed her again. He was supposed to try not to do that. Must try harder. "You know why I trust you. I made my reasons very clear on my first visit."

There was silence as she took some deep breaths and focused her attention on the parchment again. "As you keep refusing the obvious solutions I've had to think outside the box" she said in an imperious tone that was absolutely not a turn on at all. He did not like bossy women. It was the spell damage talking. "I think we should try some Muggle solutions."

Draco was sure that he had never been more incredulous. It obviously showed. Granger continued on in the same tone as if he were shouting her down. "Your parents would never have thought of these methods and are unlikely to have protected against them. Often miscast spells have simple, but seemingly irrelevant, solutions."

He could not argue with that. His parents would never have thought to defend his virginity from an onslaught of Muggle seduction techniques. "What are these ingenious Muggle answers then Granger?" Draco did not like to contemplate the fact that he was so desperate to get his leg over he'd resort to, shudder, inter-cultural exchange, as the Ministry now termed it.

"The first is talking. If Muggles were faced with a similar sort of sexual dysfunction" Draco spluttered an objection at this terminology but she just kept talking "the cure would usually involve some kind of talking therapy, where we explored your feelings and childhood until we found a subconscious reason for the difficulty."

"My childhood was idyllic Granger and we are not talking about it. Next suggestion!"

Hermione raised a skeptical eyebrow and said "Alcohol. The second, and much less permanent, Muggle solution is alcohol."

"We have a winner" Draco grinned.

"How did I know you would say that?" said Hermione with a small sigh.

Alcohol was the perfect solution. Alcohol was the reason they were in this situation in the first place. Alcohol, lovely Muggle alcohol had brought him to Granger and that blessed poison had played no small part in why she'd kissed him. He was certain of it.

* * *

It had been the 4th of June and he, Goyle, Zabini and Marcus Flint, of all people, had gone Muggle clubing because Draco turned 20 the following day. It didn't matter that it was Sunday, none of them had jobs to go the next morning. Oddly Goyle was the only one who managed to secure gainful employment. He worked nights as a security wizard in a large warehouse off Knockturn Alley. It seemed that brawn and a disinclination to question authority were marketable skills. Draco was proud that being a graduate of Malfoy's Academy for Minions was more advantageous on a wizard's cv than a diploma from Hogwarts. It was certainly a lot less of an impediment than a fading Dark Mark on your arm.

It wasn't his total lack of career prospects that was uppermost in Draco's mind that night though, it was the vast vista of virginal celibacy he was concerned about. Life had failed to be kind to Draco since the war ended, not that it had been falling over itself to be kind before. When it came to getting a shag, Draco was sad to say the war had made bugger all difference. They had come to a Muggle club because Draco thought his chances would be better here. He had no such luck. There weren't many girls there for a start, it was a Sunday and most Muggles probably did have jobs. He'd managed to talk one of them into snogging him earlier but as soon as things got a bit more heated he'd accidentally bitten her tongue. As it turned out she wasn't into that sort of thing. She'd stamped on his foot and stormed off before he could apologise. So there he was, sat at the bar with his motley crew of friends drinking himself into determination. He had hardly ever defied his parents despite their long history of terrible ideas, well this one was a step too far. He was going to do what he wanted for a change! What he wanted was sex! Lots and lots of sex in as many positions as possible! It was ridiculous that he was nearly twenty years old and had never gone further than snogging without some sort of personal disaster intervening. He wanted to make a woman scream his name and scratch his back and suck-

"Bloody hell I think that's Hermione Granger!" interrupted Flint.

"Where?" said Zabini, a bit too eagerly in Draco's opinion.

"Over there in the red dress."

"Blimey that is her! She looks fit, Unspeakable training must suit her." Zabini was practically drooling now. Draco drunkenly scowled at him. It was unseemly to drool over her, she was Granger for fuck's sake she was about as sexy as a flobberworm. They'd interrupted his determining for Granger. He'd have to work himself back up to defiance again now.

"I thought she worked for Magical Creatures?" said Flint. "Maybe she's been getting tips from Veelas." Flint really was a moron. What tips would Veelas have? Try being born a rare magical creature - that'll help you score.

"And if you believe that I've an Invisibility Cloak to sell you" said Blaise. "Honestly the Ministry are more shit at lying now than they were under Fudge!" There was a pause as everybody failed to follow Blaise's logic. He explained himself slowly, as if they were thick. "They aren't going to let a brain as big as Granger's shrivel up in a junior position in Magical Creatures. It's clearly a front."

That actually made sense. Draco deigned to look at his former classmate for the first time. All he had to do was follow Blaise and Flint's hungy stares. Yes, well. She was quite acceptable really, if you liked legs and clear skin and perfect teeth. Draco took such a big gulp from his pint that some of it went up his nose and he spluttered and coughed till his eyes watered.

"I'm going to chat her up" said Flint. Before Draco could stop coughing long enough to ask who he meant Flint was over at Granger's side, trying to detach her from the group of girls she was with. This did little to ease Draco's coughing.

Half an hour later Draco was propping up the bar by himself as Flint and Zabini tried to out manoeuvre each other into Granger's knickers and Goyle, who Draco had sent over to find out who was winning, was having the face snogged off him by one of Granger's friends. Draco was so depressed at the sight that he was about to go home when he was tapped on the shoulder. He turned unsteadily on his stool to see a purse-lipped Granger vibrating with anger, her arms were even folded.

"Call off your minions!"

"My what?"

"Your minions, the nest of snakes taking the piss out of me, call them off before I punch you in the face again!"

"Only one minion and he's not bothering you but I'll get him to put your friend down if you want." He was about to call Goyle to heel, he didn't want another violent encounter with a member of the opposite sex tonight, when Granger shook her head.

"Don't! Cara would kill me, he's just her type, she jumped on him as soon as I introduced them. I'd be worried about the Statute of Secrecy but I doubt Cara will let him speak at all really." They both observed the amorous entanglement with the singular distaste that only watching your friends snog can bring. Goyle and Cara were going for it. It was unlikely either of them would see their friend again tonight. "He won't forget and apparate them somewhere will he?" Granger asked as they both tried to look away. She seemed genuinely worried.

"No licence" said Draco, shaking his head a little too much. He had to put his hand to his chin to stop it. Yes, hand in chin was better. Granger moved less when he looked at her that way. He could study her more carefully. Close up she looked even more acceptable. He could see why Flint and Zabini were trying so hard. The two main reasons were excellently enhanced by her folded arms. "How'd you get away from the other two?"

"I said I had to go to the loo, Flint tried to follow me actually. I had to be firm."

Draco was very sorry she'd used the word firm. That was not helpful of her at all.

"Will you just cancel your bet with them or whatever this is please? I'd like to enjoy my cousin's birthday without a lot of schoolboy teasing."

His brain struggled to sort out all the hurtful and scathing comments he could make. His rapier wit was clouded by drink and the word firm still pressing to the front of all his thoughts. Without checking with his brain for permission his mouth opened and he heard himself say "Not a bet, they just want to shag you rotten Granger." Draco cringed and awaited the inevitable slap to the face he was about to receive. After several moments he cautiously opened one eye. She was just standing there, looking back at Flint and Zabini, not paying attention to Draco at all. She looked like she was trying to solve an arithmancy equation in her head.

"No, don't think so, seems like drama either way. A shag does sound lovely though, maybe a nice-looking, straightforward Muggle later." This was all said without looking his way, he wasn't sure she even remembered he could hear her. She turned to him and said "Any suggestions for how to get rid of them?"

"You could stay here with me, show them that minions don't appeal to you" Draco said giving her his best smarmy, rich-boy leer that turned into a grin at the sight of her clearly revolted face. Usually women had to at least try and shag him before they made that face. It was refreshing that Granger started out turned off.

"Any suggestions I'm likely to follow?" she asked, still making the face but now it had a teasing quality too, as if she was playing with him.

"No" he said still grinning "but they've spotted you and they're coming over so you'd best use your big brain to find the answer quick." He had a strange feeling that he vaguely remembered from a long time ago in his chest and on his face. He couldn't quite work out what it was.

"Oh bollocks!" Granger chewed her lip in distress.

He was laughing now and he's just remembered what the feeling was: fun! He was having fun with a girl, woman, person of opposite gender! He had no idea when that had happened last. He couldn't stay laughing for long though because as Flint and Zabini got close enough to greet them she grabbed his shirt front and pulled him off his stool. He fell onto her, throwing his arms round her for balance and hoping they both didn't go crashing to the floor. What happened next made him think they must have and he'd blacked out with a head injury. Granger grabbed his neck and slammed her lips to his in a scorching kiss. Her whole body was pressed tightly against him and the words 'firm' and 'soft' battled in his brain for supremacy in describing the feeling. He tightened his grip on her waist as she visciously plundered his mouth with her clever, clever tongue. After Merlin only knows how long she put him back down, releasing his shirt and moving very slightly away from him. She looked up at him, her free hand travelling down towards his hip. "Happy birthday Malfoy" she said loud enough for Zabini and Flint to hear. She leaned in to whisper in his ear and suddenly he felt something hard against his upper thigh. "That's what you get for not coming up with any good suggestions Malfoy. Snogged by the muggleborn in front of your friends. No bothering me or mine for the rest of the night or I'll hex all your balls off, ok?"

Draco nodded very carefully.

"Good boy" she said patting him on the cheek. Then she released him completely, smoothed her dress, said a polite good evening to the gobsmacked Zabini and Flint and went back to her party.

And that was when Draco Malfoy had one of his Brilliant Ideas.

* * *

The following day Draco put the first elements of his plan into action. He found the most unscrupulous tabloid hack he knew and poured firewhiskey into him until he was receptive to more substantial bribery. It took invitations to his mother's next two society soirées and a hint that a certain young pureblood maiden may have to let out the seams of her wedding dress before Draco could get what he wanted: Hermione Granger's home address. Really what was she doing living in a plottable Muggle apartment? That was simply lax security, any evildoer could find her, and now, they had. He waited outside until he heard the telltale sound of the floo, she was home. He waited another two minutes and then knocked.

She answered the door, saw him and drew her wand with a swiftness that suggested Order training was better than those on The Wrong Side had been led to believe.

"I come in peace Granger" he said with his hands in the air the bottle he was carrying acidentally hitting him in the jaw on the way up "and I bring elf-made wine and a magical mystery for you to solve."

"Didn't I say I'd hex your balls off if you bothered me Malfoy?"

"You did but it only applied to last night. Let me in Granger, we're in Muggle London you know, even if you want to hex me you'd have to do it inside the apartment."

She gestured with her wand that he could enter but she kept it trained on him and looked ready to attack at any moment. As he crossed the threshold he was bathed in a blue light that sparkled slightly and then dissapated. She lowered her wand. He looked at her for an explanation.

She turned away from him and headed towards a small kitchen. "Intention-testing wards. You passed."

"Ingenious Granger" he said, genuinely impressed, he was most certainly in the right place. "How did you develop those?"

"I tinkered about with some of the magic the Mirror of Erised was based on, it helps for when people are polyjuiced or imperiused but not for spontaneous maliciousness of course. What do you want Malfoy? Blue sparkles indicate someone seeking assistance."

"Open the wine. I need at least a glass to tell this story and you need one to hear it." After she'd tested the bottle for hidden potions, poured them both a glass and they settled on her couch as Draco began his fantastical tale of woe. It began with his grandfather, Abraxas Malfoy, before the time of the First Wizarding War. The alliance between Draco's parents had brought together two noble and ancient houses and two ignoble and festering piles of dirty linen. There was the unfortunate Malfoy habit of littering the continent with illegitimate half-blood children and then only producing a sole legitimate male heir and the Black family's ridiculous penchant for early, ill-advised marriages to contend with. Abraxas decreed when Draco was born that measures should be taken against both family weaknesses. This would protect Draco against status whores and fortune hunters as his grandfather so charmingly referred to them. So little baby Draco, in his jewel-encrusted cradle, was bound by a spell that meant he could do no more than kiss girls until he came of age. If things went any further both Draco and his companion were hit with a very unpleasant stinging hex in a sensitive area.

"Eww, this is the worst fairytale I've ever heard!" said Granger, making the revulsion face again. "Does explain why you were such a vile, grumpy bastard in school though. Poor little frustrated Draco!" she giggled into her glass.

"Oh if you like that the story gets much better. I didn't find out until I took Pansy to the Astronomy Tower after the Yule Ball. So while you were off letting Victor Krum catch your snitch Pansy and I were getting hexed where the sun doesn't shine!"

Granger erupted with laughter. "It couldn't happen to two nicer people I'm sure. And for your information Victor got nowhere near my snitch, we just kissed too."

"Yeah right!" Draco snorted "you and the older, internationally famous, quidditch star just held hands and looked into each others eyes!"

"Merlin you sound like Ron! Aged fourteen! Of course we just kissed! That's perfectly normal when you're fourteen you know!"

"Normal for fourteen, I grant you, but is it still normal now that I'm twenty Granger?"

"What?" she didn't shout, her tone was all breathless incredulity.

Draco nodded. A nod is a difficult gesture to lace with frustration but he managed it quite well.

"So you're saying that you've never..."

"No" he confirmed "not even close" he added through a tightly clenched jaw.

"But you said it was till you came of age? You weren't born in a leap-year so this isn't a weird wizarding version of The Pirates of Penzance. Why are you still cursed? And how-"

Draco interrupted her so that his extreme embarrassment could end sooner rather than later. "I don't even want to know why you're wittering on about pirates Granger, we can get to your fantasies later. To answer your questions I need to finish the story."

She shut up long enough to let him continue. He told of how inordinately pleased his parents were with each year that went past in which no babies were left at the Manor gates and Draco did not elope with a squib. They showered him with irrelevant presents and his father promised him his pick of pureblood beauties when he came of age. Draco didn't care about any of that, he just wanted a shag. Of course at the same time bloody Voldemort was rising. Fucking Voldemort, the fucking evil gift that just kept on fucking giving! By the time Draco came of age an army of Dark Wizards were living in his house, and scaring the crap out of Malfoys was their second favourite game.

There was lots of...stuff going on all over the place. This was a war and they were on the side that wasn't filled with prudish Gryffindors who cared about love and honour. The 'stuff' was so distasteful that even though he was a particularly randy teenager Draco wanted no part of it. It turned his stomach even now. So when the spell lapsed on his seventeenth birthday he had conspired with his parents to cast another, more subtle spell. They most certainly didn't want to be caught curtailing Voldemort's access to anything, including Draco. So the second spell was hurried, secretive and cast in the midst of excessive Dark Magic. This one wasn't so crude, it allowed Draco a certain leeway but once either party got sufficiently aroused things would start to happen to cool their ardour: parents would walk in, little injuries would be caused, Draco would say something vile, his partner would remember an urgent task that needed to be carried out. Any one of a thousand interruptions would occur to put a stop to things. This meant Draco looked willing and available but remained unmolested. It had worked.

"But the war is over now" Granger said, stating the obvious as Gryffindors are oh so prone to do.

"Indeed Granger the war is over but the spell is not. My parents tried at first, they took me to some excellent spell damage healers on the continent, after our trials when it became clear that hard as I may try I repel even the most ardent of Death Eater groupies. The verdict seems to be that all the Dark Magic around at the time combined to two spells. The best case-scenario is that once I'm safely married to a respectable pureblood witch there won't be a problem. Of course my parents think that's wonderful. They want to auction off my virginity to the highest bidder on the pureblood marriage market to regain some of our lost status!"

"So get married."

"That's only the best case scenario. Even if I were to get married the spell might continue and frankly I'm not willing to marry the sort of witch a pureblood family would throw away on an alliance with a social pariah who might be a eunuch. That sort of girl would make Milly Bulstrode look like a highly intelligent model."

"I still have no idea why you are telling _me_ all this, not that I don't appreciate the laugh, I do, but where do you think I come in?"

"Well, obviously, I want you to help me break the spell Granger."

"Why on earth would I do that?"

Granger was shouting now and gesticulating. This was the exact type of reaction he'd prepared for. He took a shrunken scroll out of his pocket and resized it. He unrolled it and presented it to her. A list of his reasons why she should help him. Really the list was inspired, Granger could never resist the written word.

_**Reasons Hermione Granger should help Draco Malfoy**_

_I. According to her Oath as an Unspeakable she must aid those afflicted by stray, wild and mischevious magic_

_II. She would get to research and solve a magical problem that has thwarted and baffled the most expensive healers once again proving herself magically superior to most purebloods_

_III. If successful she would get a shag, a prospect deemed "lovely" by herself on the 4th June 2000 at 11.45pm_

_IV. Draco Malfoy would consider it a life-debt to be repayed at any time she so chooses._

_V. It would really piss off Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy and Abraxas is guaranteed to turn in his grave._

_VI. Draco's friends already believe them to be sleeping together after her little display in the club so it will do no measurable damage to her reputation._

_VII. If she does not help she will forever have Draco Malfoy's piteous state on her Gryffindor conscience._

_VIII. If successful she would have perpetual bragging rights to having debauched Draco Malfoy as long as she agrees not to specify a date that this occurred._

"What makes you think I'm an Unspeakable?"

"Oh please, even Zabini could see through your little Department of Magical Creatures ruse!"

"I'm not an Unspeakable Malfoy."

"That's exactly what an Unspeakable would say."

She shrugged. "Why not just come and see me at the Department of Mysteries then if you're so sure?"

"Malfoy's tend to make Ministry staff a little nervous these days. The last time I was there I was escorted from the building by three burly security personnel and I was only trying to pay our apparition licences. I doubt I'd be welcome in the Department of Mysteries."

"And how do you know I didn't end up having a shag last night? I could be sated for months now."

"You threatened my balls, I kept a close eye on you for the rest of the evening. You left alone."

She nodded as if allowing the legitimacy of that argument. "Let's imagine your list has convinced me."

"Has it?"

"I said imagine Malfoy. You still don't answer the crucial question, why me?"

Ah. He should have prepared another list for this, he would just have to extemporise. "Because you are an Unspeakable and more likely to be intrigued than repelled, because not even my grandfather could make a cogent argument that you are a fortune-hunter, status whore or slag, because you are curious and determined and unwilling to give up even on the most hopeless tasks, because you already snogged me while pointing a wand at my balls and nothing dreadful happened and finally because you are a bloody good kisser."

She looked at him for a long minute and then poured him another glass of wine.

"Thanks."

"I thought you might need it after saying all those nice things about a muggleborn in one go."

"About anyone really" Draco replied with a grin. The glass of wine meant she wasn't kicking him out immediately.

She sighed and said "Alright, let me do some research and I'll see what I can come up with." Her tone might be resigned but it was a screaming enthusiastic yes as far as Draco was concerned. She topped up her wine, fetched a parchment and quill, put on those fucking gorgeous reading glasses, turned to Draco and said "Now tell me everything you can remember about all of your sexual encounters starting with Pansy at the Yule Ball."

* * *

That had been ten days ago. Three 'sessions' later they'd made a small amount of progress but he was still disappointingly pure.

Granger lined an impressive number of bottles up on the coffee table. Draco looked at them, all different shapes, sizes and colours. Most of them were more than three quarters full or he would wonder whether she had a problem. Granger seemed a very unlikely candidate for a Muggle addiction but war did strange things to people, even those of straight-laced head-girl variety. And she had been the one to suggest alcohol. Now that he thought about it maybe the fact she'd agreed to help at all was the result of deep-seated self-loathing. Draco knew all about that.

"I didn't realise I had so many of these, looks a bit bad doesn't it?" Granger called from her tiny kitchen as she rummaged around for yet more bottles. "Ron brings them back from away games. It's sort of a joke between us. The only time I ever went with him I got accidentally drunk off my arse on the local licquer the night before. I had such a bad hangover I missed the game. So now he brings me these as a thank you for staying home and not being sick all over him." She handed Draco a shot glass with a grin.

"Your ex bribes you with booze to stay away from him?" Draco sneered. It was out of his mouth before he could stop himself. Oh fuck, he was for it now. When he looked her expression was one of genuine pain.

"Yes. That is exactly the most horrible interpretation you could put on things. You are supposed to try not to be awful remember? Because despite your list there is no real reason for me to help you. People a lot more powerful than you owe me favours. I don't need to do this. Give me a reason to continue with this right bloody now or so help me I'll throw you out on your arse!"

Draco floundered. "Ermm I'm good looking?" He had never performed well under pressure.

"Your hair is receding. Try again."

"Because when I remember to behave myself we actually have fun." Well he did. He was out on a limb here, guessing she did too.

She gave absolutely no sign that she agreed other than not ejecting him onto his posterior. She poured sticky brown liquid into the glass in front of him. "I was going to suggest we play 'I Have Never' but as you really have never it would be a remarkably sober game. It's not designed for virgins."

"No need to rub it in" he said taking a sip. It was disgusting.

"Likewise" she said in her serious tone. "I know human emotions are hard for you Malfoy but Ron and I aren't together anymore and most of the time that's just sad. The fact that we've found some ways to be friends at the same time as being heartbroken is not something for you to take the piss out of, not if you want my help."

"What-"

"If you are about to ask what happened, just don't. You really haven't earned the right to ask personal questions yet."

"I was going to ask what the hell is this stuff but boundary duly noted Granger."

"Oh, it's Cynar, made from artichokes if the label is anything to go by."

"Tastes like it" making his best The-Boy-Emperor-Is-Displeased face. "So do you have another game on the tip of your wand?"

"Yes I think I do. You have to say something nice about me, or my friends. When you do you get to touch me. If it's particularly complimentary I'll touch you. If you are nasty you have to drink. So if you down the rest of the Cynar we'll be even."

Draco did so, relieved to get the dreadful taste over and done with. "That doesn't sound too hard." He was positive he'd be able to do that.

"I don't know, you normally can't manage it even without drink taken."

"So you just want to hear endless compliments? And Gryffindors say Slytherins are arrogant!"

"Drink Malfoy!"

Damn.

"And when do you drink?"

"If I shudder or indicate in any way that I don't like your touch. It's an exercise in positive reinforcement for us both." Bloody hell she'd be pissed as a newt in no time.

"Alright" he steeled himself. "You looked truly lovely at the Yule Ball. I don't know how Krum managed to remain a gentleman all evening. Good enough?"

Hermione nodded.

Draco reached out and slid his hand firmly up the inside of her thigh, imagining the soft flesh beneath the rough denim. When his hand reached the apex of her thigh he squeezed and Hermione squealed, wriggling away in a scene sadly familiar to him.

"Drink" said Draco resignedly handing her a full glass.

"Sorry. That was just a bit grabby." She downed her shot, took Draco's hand and put it back on her leg, her hand over his. "If you went slower and gentler it would be better for me." She moved his hand up and down her inner thigh, tracing its shape, the movement mimicking her words. She didn't squirm or wriggle but looked him straight in the eye. Draco swallowed. She let go of his hand and allowed him to continue on his own. He was nervous but followed the path she had set while his mind raced ahead. Nothing dreadful happened, yet.

"You have strong legs for someone who can't fly for toffee." Why? Why had he said that? Was it spell damage or was his personality just naturally this idiotic?

"Drink Malfoy" Hermione said gently. "I do a few Muggle fitness activities, mainly classes. I like the social aspect."

Draco had no idea what she was talking about. What were fitness classes? He would ask but he didn't want to come off like the ignorant pureblood he was. He was also distracted by the fact that she hadn't removed his hand. He put his drink back down and carefully stroked her hair. "It was half a compliment so I get to touch too." He was fascinated by how springy her hair was. It was just like her; completely irrepressible. He wanted to see it splayed out on a pillow, he wanted to know when it smelled like just after she came. He wanted to make it even more wild after a night of shagging her into the mattress and any other handy surface. He could hear his pulse thumping through his ears as he leaned in to kiss her smart mouth. That was when it happened. The Malfoy signet ring caught in one of her curls and viciously pulled her hair for the second time in less than an hour.

Draco winced. Granger's eyes were watering. The ring was firmly snared and while he worked to free her his litany of apologies were interrupted by her sharp intakes of breath at each further tangle. Eventually he managed to get his finger out and she batted his hands away dealing with the knotted hair herself. Draco drank to have something to do with his clumsy hands and tried not to watch out of the corner or his eye. Something was definitely happening with these sessions, something was changing and Draco had just realised what it was. It was upsetting him. It was upsetting him that Granger was getting hurt. He'd been too self-involved to care about any of his other partners, even Pansy, but somehow Granger mattered more. Perhaps it was because he's already seen her be so thoroughly hurt in the war. His hands were shaking now and the only way he could think to disguise it was to run them through his own hair. He would have to stop his Brilliant Plan before it came to fruition, which was depressing.

Ever practical, Hermione put the ring on the table and proceeded to wind her hair into a tight bun. Her arms were stretched above her head, she held pins between her lips and when she was done she ran her palm up her neck to smooth the few rebellious curls there. Draco held in a groan as he watched her do it. It was deliciously intimate. Watching her do that was more erotic than things he'd seen in strip clubs. It could only be more perfect if she summoned her glasses, parchment and quill and made more notes. Did she have any idea that he'd just had his first ever sexually selfless thought and here she was going and ruining his resolve?

"Look Granger..."

"You are funnier than I thought you'd be, too mean on occasion but I presume you'll learn where the line is with time."

"What?"

She traced a hand across his chest and brought it to rest on his shoulder. Then she shocked an already confused Draco to his core by straddling him right there on her sofa. Seconds ago he'd brought tears to her eyes, and not in a good way, but now he had a lapful of Sexy Librarian Granger. He was absolutely positive he's done nothing to deserve this.

"I paid you a compliment, I'm claiming my touch" she said, taking pity on his open-mouthed astonishment.

"Those weren't the rules."

"Yes. I changed them. You can make a formal complaint to the Department of Magical Games and Sports if you want.

"They are notoriously biased in favour of war-heroines."

Hermione nodded seriously. "Ministry corruption is a problem, it's true" she said as she leaned in and kissed him from above. His neck was strained to reach her lips, he felt like a plant reaching for the sun. If he sat really still and just moved his lips he could stay like this forever. At the same time as he was thinking this his body had other ideas. Her boobs were right there, if he were willing to disengage from her lips, he could bury his head in them and open that flimsy blouse she was wearing with his teeth. Or he could were that not likely to result in a trip to St. Mungo's for one or both of them.

"Mmmm" Granger moaned and squirmed in a good way. In a good way! How did that happen? It was then that Draco realised his hands were on her arse and apparently in that area of her anatomy he was positively encouraged to be grabby. She moved her hips as if she were backing into his hands, looking for more. Yes he could absolutely do this forever: Granger's arse was the best thing ever. He pulled it closer to himself, it was silly that it was so far away. He made a point of having the best of everything and Granger's arse had just been added to his mental Christmas list. He was so focused on it that he made an embarrassing high pitched noise when he felt her teeth on his earlobe. She moved her fabulous mouth up and down his neck using lips and tongue and teeth in combinations that were inspired. This is what she should have got that medal for.

"Merlin Granger you are a fucking goddess!" he said in an embarrassing outburst. He ceased to think it was embarrassing when she moved her hips again, this time in a magical motion in his lap. "Haaa!" was his only comment. She moved her mouth back to his and once again it was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. This kiss was slow and thorough, she moved her hips in time with her tongue and Draco was helpless to do anything but sit there and let her. For the third time that day he thought he could stay like this forever.

Then suddenly she was gone. No Granger in his lap but Granger summoning her quill, parchment and glasses. Wait, was she a legilimens? Or had he done something wrong again? She didn't seem hurt but she also didn't seem like she were about to punish him for returning his books late. What was going on?

"What's going on Granger?"

"Hmm?" she looked up and seemed to notice he was still there, sitting where she left him, looking rumpled. "Oh sorry! Something just came to me."

"Yes something very nearly came to me too, which is why I'm wondering what's going on."

"What were you thinking just now?"

He scowled "I told you I didn't want to do the talking thing."

"I think it might help me work out the way round the spell, please."

He didn't answer. She looked at him with her big brown eyes and just waited. It was very difficult to resist.

"I don't see why your arse has to be over there. If I'm going to talk shouldn't I at least have a little, what was it you called it, positive reinforcement?"

"I can't take notes in that position Draco" she said with an amused smirk on her face. He conjured a floating desktop just above and behind his right shoulder. She outright laughed at that.

"I give you points for ingenuity" she said as she straddled him again. Draco didn't really care about the points, she was straddling him and wearing the glasses. Today was officially the best day ever. He was flexing his fingers across the curve of both buttocks when she elbowed him in the head. "If I'm here you have to listen and answer!" she scolded, obviously she'd been saying something. He did his best not to think about the fact that she was scolding him and listen.

"What were you thinking about?" she repeated.

He looked at her boobs which were right at eye level and squeezed her bum again. "I was thinking I could do this forever."

"Interesting!" she said and she really sounded like she meant it, as if he's just told her something new about magical theory rather than an embarrassingly sappy admission of general inexperience.

"And earlier with the ring? What were you thinking about then?"

"I was thinking that I don't like hurting you" he said in an almost-whisper.

"You were thinking that as the accident happened?" she asked in a subdued tone.

"No, after."

"What were you thinking just before it happened Draco?" she was looking at him, he could feel it even though he was keeping his eyes firmly fixed on her cleavage.

He closed his eyes and screwed up his face for courage. "I was wondering what your hair will look like when I've fucked you all night long." He expected her to slap him or storm off, girls usually did with far less provocation. Instead she made an excited high-pitched noise and bounced up and down on her knees.

"That's it! I'm right! I'm sure of it!" she was saying but Draco was mesmerised by the bouncing breasts in front of his face. Sadly she scrambled off him to rush towards a nearby bookcase. He watched her pull down about ten huge tomes and arranged them on her dining table. "There's a lot of research to do but I think I'm on the right track now. Hmmm, perhaps the wards spell would work, I'll have to tweak it obviously but that shouldn't be so difficult, like a mood ring really. " She was just muttering to herself now, it seemed she'd forgotten he was even there, or anything more than a disembodied magical accident.

He cleared his throat pointedly and she looked up, startled.

"Draco! I think I've solved it!" she said with an excitement in her voice he wished he could provoke another way. She composed herself somewhat and approached him again. "It will take a great deal of work and will probably be a very slow process but I think I've found the central problem. Can you come over tomorrow to start experimenting? About 8?"

"So I'm dismissed am I?" he was annoyed now. He stood and straightened his robes.

"Don't be like that Draco, it's a good thing. I just need to get my ducks in a row before we proceed" she pushed his hair out of his eyes as she said it. "Just don't expect too much, like I said it will be slow going, lots more evenings like this I suspect."

Part of him was overjoyed at the prospect, the part of him that knew once he was fixed Granger would go back to being an old school acquaintance at best. He wasn't willing to let her know that though so instead he said "Believe me Granger I'm used to this sort of frustration." He'd apparated away to his own flat and was sitting by the fire when he noticed she'd called him Draco.

* * *

When she opened the door the next night she was barefoot and wearing a long red kimono, her hair pulled back again but this time in a looser style. Draco's attempt to remain icily aloof failed right then and there. Red was very much her colour.

"Good evening Draco, I trust you've eaten" she said. There it was again, his first name. He didn't really know what to do about it so he ignored it.

"Yes Granger I have. I feel a little overdressed though."

"Well, we might get to rectify that. Come and have a glass of wine while I explain things."

There were two glasses poured on the coffee table and the lighting was different, candles, and was that music playing?

"Are you trying to seduce me Granger?" Draco almost laughed as he said it, it was such a ridiculous notion.

"No, we won't get that far but I am a woman Malfoy. I just wanted things to be a bit nicer, there's no harm in that!" Now he'd annoyed her and was back to being Malfoy. It was much more comfortable. They sipped their wine in silence for a few moments.

"I worked out a spell but it's experimental. We will need lots of sessions to work out the kinks in it. The main thing I need you to understand is that there is absolutely no way it will work tonight, probably not for weeks. I need you to be patient and try and stay in the frame of mind you had the other day."

"Which one?" he asked, really hoping they weren't going to discuss his feelings about hurting her ever again.

"The feeling that you could just kiss me forever, that's the mindset we both need. It will help with the inevitable frustration. No matter what we do, or how far we get, I need you to remember there definitely will not be sex. When that is going to happen I promise I will warn you thoroughly, you will have lots of time to prepare yourself. Ok?"

Draco nodded. Honestly he wasn't a girl! He didn't need time to prepare! He'd had 20 years!

"The spell will make your state of arousal visible to me, sort of like my wards. It will help me judge when things are getting more dangerous." She drew her wand and Draco steeled himself for it to hurt a bit, new magic often did in his experience, but it felt a little like sand being blown gently all over his body. When he looked up the world was a calming pale green colour.

"Oh I can see it too" he said, surprised.

"Yes I thought it might help you control your impulses. I think anything all the way to red should be doable but we need to try to keep things purple rather than red."

Draco thought it was a good job he wasn't colourblind like Goyle.

"Given that this is experimental I thought we'd kick things up a notch and see how it goes."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning removal of clothing and we could move to my bedroom if you wanted?"

Draco thought for a moment. He'd rather save that for the actual sex, or something closer to it, plus he'd spent the day wanking over the thought of a topless Granger on this very couch. "I'd rather stay here if you don't mind."

"That's fine" she said scooting over to him. The first few kisses were awkward as always. They bumped foreheads and he accidentally bent back one of her fingers while trying to hold her hand but eventually they found a rhythm that suited them both. She put her hands on his chest and moved them down, pulling his shirt free of his trousers as she did so. He knew there was a reason he's dressed muggle this evening. Her hands found his skin and he opened his eyes in shock. The world had turned a sort of lilacy blue. With some struggling, and one elbow to the tit, she got his shirt and t-shirt off him. This was new territory for him and when his brain tried to get excited about the implications he reminded it firmly that sex wasn't happening tonight, he should enjoy the progress for what it was and stay in the moment.

She stroked his chest with her delicate little hands. "You're hairier than I imagined. I like it" she said in a surprised tone. He was just thinking of ways he could convince her to straddle him again when she did just that, exposing some milk-white legs in the process. She didn't have a dress on under that kimono! His brain was about to rush off again when he felt the silk under his hands. Granger's arse encased in silk was even better than denim. He had been sure that nothing other than just her skin could be better, but this was. She started kissing his neck again and he groaned involuntarily. They must be straying towards purple now. Purple was his new favourite colour. He'd have to consider redecorating his flat to be completely purple in honour of this wonderful feeling. She scooted back and now he had one hand on her bum and one on a thigh squeezing and stroking her all he wanted, which was a lot. She kissed his chest and a rush of desire roared through his veins. Her magical tongue flicked at his nipples and his hips rose of their own accord seeking her out.

"Mmmm you need to...remember Draco...that this won't go any further tonight. Just...enjoy what I'm...doing. You can oo-oh make suggestions too though."

His hips had found hers. She'd made a noise of pleasure, mid-sentence, because of him.

"No sex tonight" he said reminding himself because he felt like he might very well come any minute now but that wasn't sex so nothing bad would happen to them even if he did. "I want to unwrap you" he said into her hair. As the words came out of his mouth he acknowledged that she did, indeed, look like a present in beautiful coloured silk with a big bow in the middle.

He must have said some of it out loud because she stood up and pushed his legs apart. Standing between them she said "Open me Draco" in a shaky voice.

He had to close his eyes and take a deep breath to get back into the moment. Fuck! That was the sexiest thing he'd ever heard. He wanted to see her skin. Just to see it, not because it would lead to anything, but just to have the privilege. With shaking hands he undid her sash and she stepped away, shrugged her shoulders and the whole thing fell to her feet. She was wearing black underwear. Nothing especially fancy, there were no stockings and suspenders like in his fantasies, but this was better because it was real. He wanted to ask her to turn so he could see her bum properly but he didn't want to push his luck. The room was deeply purple and he was certain that if she complied everything would turn red.

"I want to take your trousers off" she said snapping him out of his slack-jawed wonder. He looked at her, that would be a lot of flesh, he wasn't sure he could just enjoy it and not get frustrated. " We have to test the spells boundaries Draco. There will be lots of times like this in the future, you should get used to it." Her tone was all business and formality but he noticed that her hands were shaking when she tried to undo his fly. He gently moved her fingers away and did it himself while toeing off his shoes. They were very expensive Italian-elf-made brogues but now was not the time to insist on using a shoe-horn. When he stood to remove his opened trousers he realised that she was on her knees taking off his socks. Oh Merlin and Salazar on a donkey, the view was spectacular! If she kept this up he'd have a heart-attack aged twenty! She slid his trousers down as the world seemed to spin slightly. Draco found it hard to breathe. Granger was on her knees, in her underwear! Yes he was in the perfect frame of mind. He was very happy to stay this way forever.

As she stood she said "Another evening we might try oral sex" as if it had just occurred to her. "I'm curious about how specific the original spell was, there might be less resistance to non-procreative acts."

Only Granger could make words that clinical sound that hot. He had to kiss her, so he did. He tried to tell her with his tongue how beautiful he thought she was, how honoured he felt to have seen her like this, how much he wanted to explore non-procreative sex with her. He hoped some of it was getting through because he certainly didn't trust himself to talk. It would have come out all nasty, or worse, sappy and he really didn't want to hurt her tonight. Just one night with no catastrophes under his belt was all he wanted at this stage, a sexual memory he could take pride in.

He kissed her neck, returning the favour, she squirmed in his arms rubbing herself against him like a cat. She liked that! She liked that! He could do this, do this forever and she would like it. This was definitely the best spell ever, his best idea ever. He moved lower finally putting his face between her breasts as he'd dreamt all day. The words firm and soft came back to him in a rush. He managed to get one hand detached from her arse to play with her fascinating nipples while he kissed the flesh along the edge of her bra. She moaned again!

"Can we sit down again?" she asked sounding breathless. "I feel a bit light-headed."

They sort of tumbled to the couch in an inelegant heap and Draco was concerned the spell had worn off. "Don't worry, that's completely normal at this stage" Hermione whispered as she dived back into another kiss, their hips finding each other again and making them both moan simultaneously this time.

Draco moved her bra straps down and kissed all the extra exposed flesh. She threw her head back and pushed her breasts towards him. "Hmmm we could get more accurate data if we were naked. You are still sort of blue in parts so I think we're fine to do that. It will help with future session to get the best data this time." She said all this as he removed her bra and sucked on her nipples. He took a moment to admire her ability to multi-task because she was also doing something with her hips that he felt she should bottle and sell. He'd have to buy all the bottles of course, but that was fine, he had the money. Also where was she seeing this blue, everything looked the deepest of purpley purples to him but maybe it looked different from the outside?

With a wordless accord they disentangled and removed the last of their clothing. Draco felt he was perilously close to red now so he said nothing and tried not to look at her more than necessary. He was a little uncomfortable, no woman had ever seen him naked before. He was nervous about what she would think, if she was repulsed or if he were too small, she might not want to bother with future sessions. He focused steadily on the kitchen cupboards he could see over her shoulder. Oh yes he could see the blue now, she was right as usual.

Then she put her hand on his cock. Blood left Draco's brain so fast it must have apparated.

"I'm just exploring for future reference" she said as those delicate fingers of hers trailed up and down his length. He swallowed, this was it, the moment when he found out that the spell had just delayed the inevitable, no one would want to sleep with him anyway. "It's really nice Draco. It feels...friendly or something, that's probably not the right word" she said actually blushing. Well that was a first. He could have that as an epitaph '_Here lies Draco Malfoy all round worthless bastard. His cock rendered Hermione Granger inarticulate. May he rest in peace.'_ He grinned at the idea of it. He was so amused he grabbed her and dragged her back into his lap without even worrying that it might end in him dropping her, or pinching her, or some such. He forgot about the spell damage for thirty whole seconds, she was back snogging him in his lap when he remembered he should be more careful with her.

They were snogging and grinding together now deeply and slowly. He could feel her juices on his cock and he repeated his new mantra in his head. He could stay like this forever. He could stay like this with her forever. He wanted to stay like this forever. He never wanted to be further away from her than skin on skin. It might take some time to convince her to quit her job and be naked with him for the rest of time but he was sure he could manage it eventually. He had enough money for the next twenty years or so, if they were sensible and just stayed right here, on this couch. No need for frivolous foreign holidays or ridiculous clothes bills. Think of the money they'd save. It was the only sensible thing to do really.

She whimpered and Draco froze, afraid he'd done something wrong. "Draco. I need...I need you to move again." He did. The whimpering continued, if anything it got louder and more frequent. He was doing something right. He wasn't at all sure what it was but he was willing to keep going! Granger moved on him like the silk slipping off her shoulders earlier. She was gliding on him and making little noises that he found fundamentally incredible. He couldn't really be turning her on this much could he? Was she just engaging in more positive reinforcement? Just as he began to be convinced she wasn't she stopped abruptly. He was sure he'd done something wrong.

"Draco I want to...I mean I think we should try something, you know, for research."

He nodded.

"It's going to sound a bit barmy but I want to assure you it will not be sex. Think of it more like a robe fitting. You have to have several of those before you get to wear the robe don't you, to get it right?"

Draco nodded.

"Well I think we should have a fitting. It's perfectly normal, people do it all the time but because you are a virgin you might not know that. I'm going to try you on, for size."

Draco did not nod, he was too confused to nod.

"I must stress that this is not sex, not at all. We won't be having sex for a long time as I explained. This is just some research about size and fit ok?"

He had absolutely no idea what she was talking about but he nodded anyway.

"Ok. Just relax and hold still. Don't be alarmed." With that final word of warning she gripped his cock in her little hand and while he was still too shocked to fully understand what was going on he was surrounded in an astounding wet heat. She made a short high-pitched noise and somehow he realised that he was inside her. Her clunky metaphor about tailoring fell into place. He was inside her and from his point of view the fit was fucking spectacular.

He looked up into her huge brown eyes, her mouth was wide with a look of surprise. She moved very slightly, up and back down. They looked at each other. "It's not sex" she said shaking her head, a curl falling loose. "It's just research, ha ahh, an experiment."

It was a fucking excellent experiment. He fucking loved it. Here. It was here that he wanted to stay forever, like this forever with Hermione Granger moving up and down on his cock.

"How is the size?" he asked as he gave in and thrust into her, finally getting involved in this fitting. "It feels good on my end, shouldn't need too many adjustments" he added, keeping up her pretence.

"It's a very good size" she said, the sentence taking some time to complete between manoeuvres. "There are one or two things we could do to make it perfect though." She brought his finger to the patch of curls that rose and fell over him. She directed them to something and when he touched it she made the whimpering noise from before. He didn't know what he was doing and trying to make sure those noises continued was a great distraction from the sensation of the fitting. Then she brought his mouth to her left nipple. "Suck" she commanded in her best bossy tone. He did and came immediately on taking it into his mouth.

The first time he came in the presence of a real woman and it was deep inside Hermione Granger. It was better than winning the Tri-Wizard Cup, well, he imagined it was anyway. He moved his fingers over the spot that made her whimper and continued to suck as instructed. After a few moments she replaced his finger with her own and came as well.

"I think you have a natural talent for tailoring" Draco said when they both had their breath back.

"Oh no, I'm little more than a beginner really" said Hermione with a tired smile. "I have a confession to make Draco."

He thought back to the kimono and the candles. "You knew we were going to have sex didn't you?"

"Sex? We didn't have sex Draco, I thought I explained" she said with an expression of mock innocence. "It was the only way to get round the spell. I didn't think you'd mind"

Draco thought about the lack of future sessions and concluded that he did mind. As much as a man could after his very first shag anyway. "Yes I didn't think you'd do that unprotected, so you must have cast those spells before I came, so to speak."

"Well yes but that's not my confession."

He looked up sharply. "This would be a really bad time to admit you used to be a man or something Granger."

"It's not that but we'll deal with your deep-seated intolerance of difference in later sessions. I think you should know that I really amn't an Unspeakable."

Later sessions, he liked the sound of that. "Then why did you do any of this?"

She shrugged. "It sounded like fun?"

"Hang on!" he said unceremoniously dumping her off his lap and standing up. "Do you mean to say you did experimental magic on me and my private parts and you're not even an Unspeakable? I demand you make this up to me! To the bedroom Granger!"

He stormed off opening doors until he found the correct one, leaving her to scourgify the couch.

"And don't forget the glasses Granger! We are going to research non-procreative sex!"

* * *

A/N2 I'm very sorry this isn't another chapter of Prats. I promise I am working on it, it is not on hiatus just that I am working on it very slooowly. This here is my first ever sex scene that I've ever written ever. To say I was nervous about it is a bit of an understatement. I was more nervous than Draco. I would really appreciate feedback. Thanks


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